Saturday, July 19, 2008

THE FORCE FIELD


The comedy of events & incidents usually lies in the underlying tragedy of the subject matter. What most of the world laughs at can evoke the Demon of doubts in one’s mind. I’ve been uncomfortable for a week now, what with my back rebelling against the man who’s abused and ignored it for some time now. The last few days of rest have got me back on my feet … days which were interminably long & decorated with pain. Meanwhile, the spin of the cosmos was measured by incessant phone calls, continuous web browsing, and soothing music, inspiring books and thought provoking movies. And on the night I felt my immune system had finally tamed the beast of pain admirably enough, I celebrated by subjecting myself to one & a half hours of mindless comedy. The movie was about a guy who falls in love with a girl he meets in a hostel blackout and doesn’t even get to see her face. It depicts his struggle to find out who that girl was & in the bargain realizes that men ARE chauvinists & view women in a condescending manner as mere objects, not persons. This realization & his consequent acceptance of the same make him the darling of all the hostel girls. Now there was this funny scene where he talks about the “anti-intimacy force field” that guys usually put around themselves to avoid getting involved emotionally with a girl, which had me in splits. That is when, the Demon of doubts awoke. There, in that hilarious scenario lay my tragedy. Maybe tragedy is too harsh a word to use for my predicament, but when I see people misunderstanding me & pointing a finger at me, accusing me of being insensitive & aloof, I wonder if they are right. To add to my dilemma, I KNOW that at times, they are! What is this I talk about? I talk about my personalized, super-strong, impenetrable “force field”.

I have lived away from my parents, my home since I have been little. The very time when a child needs to be nurtured with parental care & craves for their love was when I had to be sent away by extremely reluctant parents for a better future. Although this going away gave me freedom & many heart-warming experiences, it also erected the “anti-intimacy force field” around me. The numerous years of hostel life took me away physically & emotionally from my parents. I got accustomed to not seeing them for months at a stretch. I ceased to feel lonely. I got used to living without those who I cared about the most. I forgot how to care for anyone, and lost my ability to feel for another. Henceforth I could connect with few people on an emotional level. I do cry when I watch an emotionally charged movie or listen to songs of separation & longing, but try as I might, the magic required to prop up a personal alliance, be it friendship, love, family ties, seemed to have been erased from my psyche. I might be your friend, but the concern that defines friendship may always be lacking. I may be your lover, but the comfort of intimacy may always be amiss. I might be your brother, but I may never be protective about you. I might be your son and love you with all my heart, but you’ll probably never be able to tell from my actions and words.

Many term my behaviour as ‘professional’ and pass it off as normal. They say this is the perfect attitude to carry whilst in Mumbai & in this industry where people are friendly with you when you’re up in life, and strangers the moment the earth moves beneath your feet. They are mistaken. Irrespective of the good or bad people around me, this is who I am, sans pretensions.

Every face wears a mask. I wear a broken one.

Every mirror reveals less than it shows. You’ll never know what I hold within.

Every human is a flawed creation. The slate of my life is clean.

I fear I could never be the ideal son, the best friend, the perfect lover, the awesome brother….

How do I unplug this force field?



21 comments:

  1. guess Im the first one to read this...gosh im in luv wid your writing skills i swear..rock on!

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  2. Hi Meiyang,

    Past is life………..you lived it……….

    Only time changed something inside you……

    You know what u have not felt……..

    U have feelings deep down inside……..it shows when you can cry...

    Help yourself to let them come out……..

    Only if you wish them to come out…….

    And if u take that decision………

    Decision........of what u wanna carry along and what u wish to discard


    then.........Go A little ahead……….

    Hug those whom u have not hugged……..

    Sometimes twice a day………

    Sometimes hard……..

    C what u can bring out……..

    Are there twinkling moist eyes……..

    C what they can do to u…….

    can that hurt u more........

    Or make u feel more a complete person……

    we got one life…….

    There should be no place for voids……..

    No future in which one might think in way of ifs and buts…

    Love is love……

    If u feel for a passer by old man y not for those who think abt u……..

    Not matter what………


    Live Life To Its Fullest……….

    you cannot get what u have lost..........

    but you can get what u Wish.........

    its possible

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  3. hey...
    sometimes we dont realise that using our words we may grip someones attention so drastically as to keep them pondering on what weva said or in your case written.
    all i want to say is..a pure heart all gives out meaningful words.
    thnk you for giving me something to read and ponder on...we all need tht in our lives.
    P.S. if u eva wanna check a blog..www.wildblakrose.blogspot.com :D

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  4. I really don't see you as being uncaring...But I do understand how you feel...If this is something you dislike about your self there is always time to change your self...The only way to unplug this force field is to pull the plug out yourself...

    As usual very well written...I just love reading your blog..

    Luv u loads

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  5. You know the reasons so ver well,I have lived with my parents all my life, but I still felt the same till a year ago{I have seen my anti- intimacy force field affected vry one arnd me, being a gilr it was expected from me that I should be more expressive}. Then something in me wanted to change things,took a year off from everything and now I see myself breakingthis force field with starting with my folks. But still I guess I have accepted it and feel its better that way

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  6. Hey,
    Your writing have made me think whole day and I think that you should try to change yourself and see everything in a different way.

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  7. Hey absolutely love ur writing !!!!!! plz plz sing "kahin toh " from the movie "Jaane tu ya Jaane na " n post it on you tube ....I totally wantto hear it in ur voice ....i m a total fan of ur voice !!!

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  8. I don't think anyone wants you to be an ideal person.....maybe you are just being to hard on yourself.

    Talking about "unplugging" the forcefield around you.....I think you have made a great start-just by writing about it. Talking about it with some close friends and family may get you closer to unplugging it.
    Question is....do you want the force field to be gone completely?

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  9. Hey Chang,

    Good to hear from you. Your frank and open writing is always a delight. I can relate to this on some level. We are who we are as a result of innumerable factors and the fact that you understand (well at least sort of)is good reason to suppose that you may never be content in this world 'cuz you understand too much and not exactly sure how to fix a lifetime of conditioning. Besides is there a perfect "fix" to any situation?
    I think you should just be YOU! Whoever came with the concept of defining one's character, personality is a nincompoop because I beleive we as humans are growing and evolving constantly as to remain static in our behavior and feelings.(yeah, this coming from a person who wrote an ode to chang, an ass who professes to understand you so well).
    So me love, enjoy the dynamism and surprises your own person offers and have a blast!!! And also, laugh at your own shortcomings and follies, they do add to your charm btw.
    Okay I'm done!
    love,

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  10. hey chang. very emotional post. always thought u were a happy-go-lucky kind of person. just saw another side of u . maybe what u consider ur shortcomings r only bcoz people expect u to be someone u r not. and u can always change that.this post proves that u r not as insensitive as u portray urself to be. u r a caring person, simply bcoz u care abt people's expectations from u and feel sorry that u cant fulfill them. just try.its just a matter of changing ur mindset.

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  11. Hey chang!!

    Yesterday itself, I went through a friend's blog that said:

    Men (Human beings)occasionally stumble over the truth. But most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing has happened.

    A call unheard
    Echoing around-
    Then mingling into emptiness.

    A dyseptic appeal
    To look beyond introvertness,
    To visualize the horizons of humanity-
    A fruitless turmoil,

    Ignored,avoided,unfelt;
    Yet knocking every door-
    A vain attempt of awakening.

    Well, that's all written by her and not me. Credit is hers as I was merely instrumental in conveying the said message - the contrast between noise and silence! Just as you had in your force-field.
    But the folly is mine, in case anything wrong is conveyed; since I am the one instrumental in doing so.. ;)

    All I would say is(now that's from me)

    listen to your inner voice. Do not let it be suppressed by your consciousness and mingle into the emptiness, the vaccum of "reactions" of the world around. Go where your heart takes you; and live it all up to the bream in that moment.. And believe me, you'll never regret a moment spent like that - with the complete "you" into it. . ;)
    If your heart pangs and feels like crying.. Moan & Cry. Put yourself into the pain. If it feels happy; put yourself into it and dance like you did on being selected in IDOL's first audition..
    Don't let your call become the "unheard" one.

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  12. Hey Meiyang,
    Sounds like you are heart broken or something, maybe not.Your blog sure sounds like you care for everyone in your life.I don't think all of us have the same emotionality bcos it is biological. You have a few people you can connect with at the emotional level. That is what matters. If you are not able to relate tosomeone at an emotional level may be thats how its meant to be. It is true this quality allows you to be a very objective person.Best wishes ma friend.

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  13. why do you need to unplug it?

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  14. hi,
    ur posts are so wonderful, seems like u've poured ur soul into them.
    i've always seen ppl holding up a lot of 'clutter' inside which creates force-fields & restricts them.
    if u havent told ur parents tht how much u love them or u thought tht their decision to send u elsewhere for studies was wrong; say tht today.
    if u feel the need to spend more time with them; make sure u do spend tht time.
    try to love some1 with all ur devotion. like a small child who is ur neighbour; or a pet;
    & if cleaning the clutter also doesnt work, all u can do is not repeat the same with ur children & not let ur further future be rooted to the past.

    if u can, plz do watch this movie 'Kite Runner' based on a famous novel.
    its a gr8 movie. i find the protagonist very similar to ur personality.

    take care.

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  15. Hey Meiyang,
    Read thru ur post once again and realised a few things.
    1. All great men/women, got enlightened rather done soul searching when they were forced to rest( eg, due to fracture etc) in your case thanx to your back
    2. I have always wanted to be this person you have described in your post, since I am more of a feelings/emotions person than thinking/reasoning one.
    3. This is a wonderful analogy and you actually do not need any advice.
    4. Based on # 3 I made a fool of myself with my previous comment.

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  16. Dear Chang,
    In the Dhammapada, the Buddha said as follows.
    "The flickering, fickle mind, difficult to guard, difficult to control, the wise person straightens it as a fletcher straightens an arrow". (The Dhammapada, Chapter 3, Verse 33).

    "Whatever harm a foe may do to a foe, or a hater to a hater, an ill-directed mind can do one far greater harm than the harm above mentioned". (-do- 10).

    "Neither mother, nor father, nor any other relative, can well-direct one's mind. It is himself has to make up his mind or correct his mind". (-do- 11).

    "As a flower that is lovely and beautiful but is not scentless, even so fruitless is the well-spoken word of one who does not practice it". (-do- chapter 4, verse 8).

    "Though a fool associates a wise person throughout his life, he never sees the good, same as the spoon does not know the taste of the soup". (-do- Chapter 5.verse 5).

    "One should not do things which make him repent again and again whenever he remembers those deeds. Those actions bring him tears and weeping throughout his life".

    "To his ruin, indeed, the fool gains knowledge and fame; they destroy his bright lot and cleave his head". (-do- 5.13).

    "Let one not seek othesrs'faults, nor what others have done or have not done. But one should seek what his own faults, and what he has done and has not". (-do- Chapter 4, verse 7).

    "Hatreds never cease through hatred in this world; through love alone they cease. This is an eternal law". (-do- Chapter 1, verse 5).

    So, dear Chang, we know that you are a good person and an examplarary character. You are also a Buddhist, so, do not think much about others' actions, their sayings and thoughts. Try to see the things as they truly are. That is the Buddhist way. The Buddha said, "Monks, it is worldlings who come to argue or debate with me. I do not have any arguement with them. A wise person never argue with fools". So, you are! YOU ARE WISE.
    May the Buddha guide you always!
    Yours Venerable Chandawimala

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  17. chang strikes again.. good pieces of writing there.. keep it up... looking forward to ur next post

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  18. Are you actualy talking about yourself?

    If yes.. then.. I always thought(/knew) you were an 'emotions' person..

    If this be the real you, then.. ah ok.. that's something more I know now..!

    ~Rajeshwari, the autograph girl.

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  19. i am glad u have the ability to write so well..i guess u r lucky u can remove it all out this way!!
    i am only 16..i loved u in indian idol...and i am glad i found ur blog when i google searched for ur images..because now i not only like u for ur singing..bt love u as a person..i don't know weather u'll like to b a frnd wid a 16 year old or no..bt i'm sure i'll love to b frnds wid u...ur writting is so intense that it makes me think, i have never mt or seen a person as pure as u, who can so easily tel how he/she is...and the fact that u can makes me respect u more than anything else..i've always looked for something more in the ppl i have liked or loved..weather actors or frnds or famous personalities..something more than talent..something that makes them a good human being..and ur writing proves that ur immensely pure at heart..and sometimes i feel its good not to b perfect ..because perfect makes it boring..u don't need to be the ideal son,the best frnd,the perfect lover or the awesome brother..i guess u r perfect just d way u r.

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  20. How exactly does one know that it's THEM who have the force field to others and others t the the said "one"? Which is why God made vengeance. If you have been driven to crucial insensitivity, you react by continuing it... Not by trying to unplug the goddamn force field...Have you read the Bible? My favourite passage-"And they shall know that i am the lord when i shall lay my vengeance on them"... Sometimes to get over stuff like insensitivity, when we lay flummoxed, we need an act of GOD...

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  21. Anonymous4:19 AM

    quite straight forward and clear.....rest left to the fate of people who wants to befriend you ...:D

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